I'm searching for something...

I'm searching for something... // -->

Wednesday, December 31

a lamp need to be sheilded with care; the merest puff of wind can blow it out

Heli Dont ask me why 1:48 AM

Saturday, December 27

I'm trying my best to keep my smile on. I'm trying hard not to recall. I'm trying hard to appear normal to him. I'm really trying hard... wah loa............ arrrr.....

Heli Dont ask me why 5:25 PM

Thursday, December 25

23rd Dec 2003

"Ding Dong..."

I stared at the computer for a moment. That was my doorbell right... Twitched my eyes, i looked at the door. Breathed in, i peeked through the door hole. I smiled. It was them.

"Happy birthday to you.. happy birthday to you..."

Haha.. i was really really surprised that moment. I can still feel that happy feeling. I remembered i was.. loss for words and i just stood there wondering what to do until yang told me to open the door. Haha.. yah. This is not the end. Went to my room and i was locked outside. Haha.. i was grinning all the while and so decided let them do whatever to my room ba. When they invited me in, wow... i saw stars on my room ceilng. Stars. Yeah i love them lots.

And so, this is how my birthday celebration begun. I.. haha.. normally my happiness doesn't last long. But, i am still smiling. and feeling happy. contented.

Went out with fey and company. Had lots of fun with entertainers around. So here's a list of thanks and thanks for all. (sorry for the delayed)

To fey: When i heard about the internal conflicts you guys had while preparing my presents, i really was left speechless. I felt like so pai seh.. that i wondered what had i done to deserve all these. Guys, i really appreciated every little things you had done for me. Thanks to each and everyone of you, whether or not you are able to join in the fun, i want to thank you with utmost sincerity. Thanks for the surprise which never crossed my mind before, thanks for the stars, thanks for the bag, and thanks for accompanying me out that day. You guys rocks.

To mouldy bread: Yeah. Thanks for the green green thing. It's a really unexpected gift. Thanks mushroom for pushing away your apointments and pei me go out that day. I really... really appreciate it. I saw the star that night i knew what you said was true. Next time you see a star in the sky, i hope it reminds you of me being happy. Thanks bread for skipping your tuition also just to pei me go out that day. Lucky you wasn't being scolded that night if not i really would feel very sore. The card you made for me was the best. Hope i would be your one and only ouxiang.

To Tudi and Ah di: Thanks for the xiang zuo zou xiang you zou book and the card as well. Will cherish the card a lot(i know its very ex). Will remain contact with both of you and rest even when i go jc. Will miss you guys lots next year. Thanks.

To gnotos: Thanks for the star pillow and the card from your heart. Haha... anyway based what i had written above, you should know i had enjoyed myself. Indeed i had and thoroughly enjoyed.

To Belle and Xin: Thanks for the lovely bone. Sorry that i wasn't able to get it from your personally. Will jio you guys out one day.

To Kor: Thanks for the eeyore soft toy. Haha.. sorry that your christmas present wasn't ready yet. Will definitely give you one de.

To all well wishes: Big thanks for remembering it. though its just a wish, it adds up to even brighter lights for me that day.

Thanks to all. It has been another day of happiness. It really turned out to be rather unexpected. Kind of loss for words now. Thinking about somethings.

Heli Dont ask me why 9:05 PM

Saturday, December 20

"...missing feeling..."

I'm listening to the sad song - Zai jian... jing cha from the movie infernal affairs. I sort of can detect the kind of feeling... the kind of pushed feeling.. people staring at each other.. i am staring at someone.. deeply in the eyes.. and i know this person is fading away. I can see the world... i am moving away from the earth.. it seems as if it posesses a goodbye feeling.. a kind of missing feeling.. i can see a smiley too.. it's like leaving to a far away place.. and the smile is meant for a wordless bon voyage. Yeah.. i feel them that way. It's pretty wonderful to be able to interpret that much on a piece of song that don't have any lyrics..

i wouldn't know how to explain why i had chosen this picture. It sorts of give me a sinking feeling which somehow suits this song.. weird? Nah. I just feel too much.

Do you feel the same when hearing too? It's a very deep feeling for me... a little familiar too...

Heli Dont ask me why 3:34 AM

Friday, December 19

i still don't dare to post what i think... i don't have the courage to speak my mind...

Heli Dont ask me why 2:46 AM

Thursday, December 18

"...look inside you and be strong.. and you finally see the truth.. that a hero lies in you..."

Went skating today and heard this song. Then i sort of did some reflection. I think i miss the independent and competitive me. Not that is good. But i don't like the way i am now. Some of you had told me.. you miss the past me. Yeah i miss it too. But i'm going to find it back. =)

At times i find myself in a situation whereby i don't know if i'm doing the right thing. I don't know if i'm indirectly causing hurt to someone. I don't know am i directing you the wrong path at times...

And so.. i'm tired. Got to get some sleep soon. My butt hurts after falling 3 times today. Ouch. =X

Heli Dont ask me why 1:40 AM

Tuesday, December 16

Good morning peeps. Woo.. one of the earliest morning i ever woke. Normally would still sleep till noon one two plus. Anyway, going off for kayaking le. Haha.. it's tanning time!~ =)

Heli Dont ask me why 7:50 AM

Sunday, December 14

The Sigh Story

Felt so guilty today when i saw her hands. Though just some small cuts.. but send lots of reminders to me. Think i'm a spoilt kid le. So fortunate yet still complain this complain that. Sigh one.

Think he suspected i go church every sunday le la. Wonder how i going to face him when he asked directly. Almost blurted out today. Wonder how am i going to break the news to him. Sigh two.

No money lately. Think not going to eat next week le. Need to save up for christmas presents and my stuffs for jc next year. Need lots of money... and i spent too much on prom nite and my contact lenses. Shall i rob a bank? Sigh three.

sigh one. sigh two. sigh three. SIGHH... =/

Heli Dont ask me why 4:09 AM

Thursday, December 11

Browsing

Don't know what's wrong with my back lately again. Remembered i had the same aching pain problem this year. Weak back. Bleah.

Nothing much to blog lately. Friends stop their bloggin entries already. Still remember it was around this time when i really hooked on blogging. Forgot exactly which date my blog was formed... hm.. 23rd Nov'02? There weren't many people blogging then and so i found a feeling when blogging. But it somehow disappear - just don't feel comfortable. Who comes anyway.

It's almost a year. I'm going to post one long entry about the whole year recount one day. Woo hoo.. lots to say. But that is if i'm free and not lazy. =P

Learn to pace your life slowly and browse at the things around you. People always say, "Don't look back." Nah. I think it isn't about looking back, it is about letting go of it. Looking back is just a rememberance but what's important is move on with life. =|

I found my sky dotted with little stars. I'm walking and walking, enjoying the presence of little stars with me. and with Him too. =)

Heli Dont ask me why 1:41 AM

Tuesday, December 9

No one would really know your name. You would be
called by what you do. For example, if you burn
your victims to death all the time, you would
be known as The Arsonist, or if you knife them,
you would be known as The Slasher. You would be
the mysterious killer who strikes at sporadic
times, and would be very difficult to catch.
You might dress up and mask yourself when you
perform your horrible killings. Your identity
would really be a mystery. Obviously you would
be wanted all over the place, and authorities
would desperately try to capture you. Even if
you were caught, you would not say much. The
public would greatly fear you because you could
just strike unexpectedly.

What Would Your Serial Killer Name Be? What Would the Public Know You As?
brought to you by Quizilla

Heli Dont ask me why 12:16 PM

Monday, December 8

Drifting

I don't know where to start from. I just doesn't sound right tonight. I'm torn by the pain and agony. I felt broken. Many online tonight. But i didn't talk much too. I can have 40 peeps in my list but i can talk to none. I don't feel right with some of you anymore. Or maybe most of you. I find that i had to specially somehow suit myself in the presence of yours. Many of you gave me a so near yet so far feeling. I don't seem to know you or you or you that much anymore. Or i don't even know you at all.

Some i had been searching the inner soul of yours for long. Each time i got deeper, i find that there's an even deeper level. And so i had been doing soul searching all the while. I feared rejection. I feared one day if something goes wrong, i am going to lose some of you. I feared one day we might be walking the streets without knowing each other anymore.

Yet again, i am on the losing end. I firmly know the rules of the game. No one likes to hang around or talk to a perpetually unhappy person. It gets me down as well. You wondered if i truly understand the rules of the game, but i truly do. Everyone likes to hear nice things which in fact is destroying them. Nobody likes to hear the ugliness behind the truths. I hate you for telling me those greyish truths. But at the same time, thanks for sharing your thoughts with me.

I had changed. I had sub-consiously been too dependent on you. Given me a chance, i rather the past when we aren't that close. I seemed to be able to talk to you more and whatever i want to say it just flows naturally. It's not just you, pratically everyone. Am i shutting myself away.. drifting away.. or what.. I don't know the me now..

There are instances in life when it seems that nothing good can possibly come out of a situation. That's when we spend time grieving. That is also when we come to terms with the matter, make adjustments and learn to get on with our lives. I once wrote about making choices at a crossroad. I had taken the wrong path - the old route. I'm like living the same old life over and over again. I got out of the pit and i fall back in again - each time even harder. I do feel the tiredness of getting out again. And i admit i do consume the thought of giving up and staying there forever. I wonder if it's a good thing that i kept falling in and each time when i get out, i'm braver. Or would it be better that i got out of the hole and never drop in again?

My policy in the past was if they are happy, i will grow to be happy too. But i guess it doesn't work anymore. Some said that i don't look as if i had those thots. I'm an extremists. Either i stayed as what i am now, or i will be down right selfish. It isn't that i think i don't deserve the right to be happy. I guess i had too often, needlessly lug my emotional baggage around. I hang on to much to past disappointments and hurts.

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I will find my way out.

Heli Dont ask me why 3:40 AM

Sunday, December 7

But I Do Love You

I don't like to be alone in the night
and I don't like to hear I'm wrong when I'm right
and I don't like to have the rain on my shoes
but I do love you
but I do love you

I don't like to see the sky painted grey
and I don't like when nothings going my way
and I don't like to be the one with the blues
but I do love you
but I do love you

Love everything about the way you're loving me
the way you lay you're head upon my shoulder when you sleep
and I love to kiss you in the rain
I love everything you do, oh I do

I don't like to turn the radio on
just to find I missed my favorite song
and I don't like to be the last with the news
but I do love you
but I do love you

Love everything about the way you're loving me
the way you lay you're head upon my shoulder when you sleep
and I love to kiss you in the rain
I love everything you do, oh I do

I don't like to be alone at night
and I don't like to hear I'm wrong when I'm right
and I don't like to have the rain on my shoes
but I do love you
but I do love you
but I do love you
but I do love you......

Miss this song lots. Nice song. =]

Heli Dont ask me why 2:25 AM

Saturday, December 6

i realise i feel so distant to certain people that i once felt closed. I don't seem to know you guys anymore.

Heli Dont ask me why 4:10 AM

Home Sweet Home

Yeah. I'm back. Wonderful trip. Tired and lazy to comment about it. Burnt though. On the whole, it's a good experience. Krabi - I don't mind staying there my whole life leading a life out in the sea. =]

When i see her, somehow my smile just disappear and i turned cold.

Heli Dont ask me why 2:22 AM

Monday, December 1

Bon Voyage!

Okay. i'm off in about 5 hours time. Leaving to Thailand - Krabi. Second time on trip with the school. First was the Shanghai Trip with the student leaders. Now, i'm going with the npcc and ncc peeps. Feeling somewhat different. This time round was a little more tense. Probably because of something that happened lately and that i learnt a lot. Sigh. Those "if.. if.. " questions haunting me once more...

I dislike leaving. Or rather parting. Just don't like that feeling. Bah.

Listening to Candle in the wind by Elton John. It's the song for late princess Diana.

"...and it seems to me you live your life like a candle in the wind..."

Take care guys. Miss you all. Goodbye. =)

Heli Dont ask me why 11:00 AM

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